Just last Saturday, July 6, I had my second take of the Comprehensive Exam, which is taken to assess the over-all status of an architecture student (in relation to all of the subjects he/she has taken at that time). Yes, that was my second time for I failed my first one just 3 months ago. But, hey, everyone deserves a second chance and so I took that giant leap to go forward. What do you expect? I just did it! I prayed so hard that all of my preparation for it will pay off. And yes, God did not hesitate to make my wish come true. Undoubtedly, it is the best birthday gift, so far. 😀
I know you are wondering why I was not able to pass the first one. Well, that was one heck of a day, I tell you, or shall I say, one heck of a term. It was the most stressful term. I only had 2 minors, namely ENG12 and MEC30, the rest are all majors – all four of them. I could not blame it on the teachers or the requirements they are imposing on us; I choose to blame myself for it. Although I did not fail any subject at that time, I was terribly heartbroken when I have learned that I had failed the Comprehensive Exam. And do you know what that means? It means that I am not ready to take the rest of my curriculum because I am lacking – and I admit, I am terribly lacking in a lot of things.
First of all, I lack the confidence. The confidence to say, “Hey, I can do this!”. I didn’t have the confidence or even the belief in myself that I could. Sure, everyone around me believes in me, but it sure does makes a difference to believe in myself. And after that event, I realized that whenever I am faced with something so big a dilemma, I am always trembling and shaking and fearing what would people think if I were to fail. Instead on focusing on how I would solve the puzzle, I focus on how the people will view me in solving the puzzle. I did not believe in my own capabilities that I can finish that plate. I did not believe in the Lord when he said in Philippians 4:13 that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It’s as if, I just jumped from the cliff without even thinking of rescuing myself.
Secondly, I lack the strength. That day was the most crucial day of that term. There was a final plate which would be passed on one of our subjects so I burned the midnight oil to finish that plate. When I came to school, I did not even review for the exam. And while I was taking it, it felt like I was dying from sleep deprivation. I know all of us who was taking that exam at that time were all the same as I am. We were on the same boat, but I lack the strength inside of me that I could carry on.
Thirdly, I lack the skills. It was during those days that I was so lazy I chose to have my plates easily done, like I never thought of how I came up with them. I was so lazy that I could not even burn the midnight all in a week. I was a sluggard, I tell you! I didn’t even worked on improving myself. I was not like this before. When I started doing something before I come to college, I always want to finish it with flying colors. I do everything in perfection. But I suddenly got tired of it. Yet now, I’m full of energy to do what I really want. 😀
Lastly, I lack the enthusiasm to carry on with my life. I started thinking to myself, “Do I really want my course?” , “Should I shift already?”, things like that. I was the negative girl. I kept thinking that there should be something that I am good at, instead of thinking that I could do anything I set my heart into.
I did not bother to plead to the Dean to pass me. I only needed one point to pass, actually. I thought to myself that that was something I should not do. It feels like cheating. I feels like if I do that, I do not deserve to pass the exam, like I am degrading myself, which I should not be doing. Anyway, that is all in the past. I have moved on and learned my lesson. As they say, forget the drama, but keep the lessons you’ve learned. For the first time in my life, I have experienced how to stand up again. And it feels so self-rewarding. And I think I’ll be doing just the same in the future for my future mistakes. No matter what may happen, I will never forget that God is always here with me, even in the most darkest of times. This is all thanks to HIM. 🙂